The Single Life Huh?!

Dating. Talking. Messing. Whatever you want to call it. Whatever IT is. It's a pain in the ass. Single girl living in the Bronx..not really an ideal location to be looking for prospective boy toys because like every other place in NYC, the Bronx seems pretty microscopic when everyone seems to know *sigh* everyone... So then what's a girl to do??? I'll tell you what she does...She goes outside of her comfort zone, takes big girl steps into the unknown meets a guy who talks the talk and walks the walk of a potential but his mind just isn't where hers is (false advertising ass negro).. So she returns back to her original headquarters scratching her head with confusion, heart full of resentment, feeling defeated, misled and most importantly angry that valuable time wasted she can't get back. .. My generation has become filled with boys (yes boys) who don't want to be in committed relationships and girls who desperately seek them.. but of course because of the lack of male cooperation girls have to settle for dicks(okay dicks is a bit harsh,excuse me, guys) who just want to maintain non committed "fun" relationships... Since we're on the subject of "fun" what the hell does that consist of? Sex??? I assume.. but if it's all about sex then why not say that from the start? Using the word "fun" is portraying something false... Leading most girls to expect things they wont even come close to getting. I say most girls because there are girls out there who just want to have fun also but these type of girls are the ones labeled as whorish right? To some anyway... like i said if all the guy wants to do is "fuck, be friends, and live comfortably" then make it known that that is indeed all you want. Charming a girl into her panties may end up with both of you hurt cause lets face it girls can get a little crazy especially when they feel violated or hurt. I've been single for 2 years and I have to admit meeting and talking to new guys was exciting and daring at first but somewhere along the way it has become utterly annoying and quite dreadful. To meet a guy and hope that he doesn't end up being a jerk/an asshole/a creep and to find out that's exactly what you're getting is so frustrating and discouraging. I don't think this dating thing is for me at all. I'm not a promiscuous girl so I'm not willing to have sex with every guy i talk to and for the most part I am a total sweetheart (something that i have noticed is a BIG no no in dating central). I give all that i have when i have it and i almost NEVER take back and quite frankly this whole thing is quite draining.. you know.. going into something with so much confidence and hope just to have it not go the way you thought it would or planned for it to go... and maybe that's my problem... I put too much faith in people... I trust them to be better than what they really are... I deem my future pursuits as fairy tale worthy when in all actuality it's just one big nightmare waiting to happen... I indeed put too much thought into the ones who don't really think too much of me... and this is not only with guys, this is in general. I literally think there's a greater good in everyone (sadly). Maybe if my outlook on people differ then maybe i can get better results?... and this should be the case ESPECIALLY with guys. I am not at all bitter nor do i hate men. I love them. I just find it harder to appreciate their existence when they don't quite acknowledge ours. This is not all guys, certainly there are some good ones out there (I haven't encountered much of those :-D) and Girls of course aren't angels... we play our hand in this game and we sometimes deserve the cards that we are dealt BUT when is it enough? and when do we (both parties) start making serious situations out of them? Or better yet can we even attempt to make them serious? It seems there will be no satisfaction between the sexes because guys are looking for ideal women who are close to what they see as perfection (which they should know they probably will never get) while us girls are just satisfied with whatever makes us happy. Never adds up well because we're known to settle while guys are more so stubborn and will just continue to act like boys... continue to "chase skirt" (I'm quoting someone right there lol) and wait for their perfect girl. Once they realize the perfect girl is non existent or they won't get her that's when they start to grow up and focus on what they have/had right in front of them or who they are able attain. Sadly this process takes forever and their mind frame on relationships don't really mature till about 30 something (ha ha so much for that *lots of eye rolling going on right now*). So what's a girl like ME to do? Last night I thought this : Head in my books, heart in my work, soul in my family & friends...nothing left but my body for me. So with that said i don't really think i have anything left in me or of me to give to a guy who's not FOR me... :)

He Lives Through Me

Imagine going 23 years without seeing someone you were meant to see. Imagine 23 years of a big chunk of your life missing that important piece. 23 years ago my father was murdered and nothing can and will replace who he was supposed to be to me. He left behind family, friends. and most importantly Lacey. He has a beautiful granddaughter that he will never get to meet, a life of mine that he will never know. Pictures may mean 1000 words but pictures cannot replace an actual being. I once said I am not bitter about anything. I lied.The one thing that i am bitter about, that I've always been bitter about is the absence of the person who's presence may have mattered most in my life. He never got a chance to love me the way a father is supposed to love his little girl. I never got a chance to love him the way that i know a daughter is supposed to love her daddy... I don't want to make anyone cry most of all i don't want to be sad, i just want to pay homage to my dad.

There's a lot of things people should appreciate and one of them is life. Whatever opportunities you may have available to you be grateful and take advantage. Don't wait till its missing for you to realize that you want it. Sometimes you only get one shot.

R.I.P Lance Watts 7/10/1963-4/5/1987

What Does It Mean To Be Happy?

A lot of people don't know what being happy is. Many do not know how to live a happy lifestyle. I'm no different. I'm just now getting the hang of being happy on a daily basis and not only every other month or year. Being happy has to start from within. Nothing or no one can make you happy. Know that if someone makes you happy, that is only temporary happiness. Know that if your happy buying things, spending money,etc... that is also temporary happiness. If that person leaves your life, if those things you bought get stolen or damaged, if you become broke and cant buy anything for a long time, you will be a very unhappy person. You will be sad not because all of these unfortunate things happened to you but because you depended on these things to make and keep you happy. You will forever be a miserable person if you continue to go about life like this. STOP letting things and people dictate your life. TAKE control of you and your happiness. trust me you will lead a healthier life and build healthier relationships that way. Not saying that its easy to be happy (trust me i know!) and not saying your life will perfectly fall into place but if you have a better outlook on life, if you become appreciative of all the things an people around you, you will notice that your blessed. You will be thankful of all that you have accomplished, all that you will eventually accomplish, all your friends and family, and most importantly you will be thankful that God granted you life.

You want to be happy? You can start by smiling :) Life can be much harder.

Lost & Found

Two Words to describe who i was and what i am. Two Words that i have tatted on my inner thigh. Two words that if you yourself have not been in a state of wonderment about who you are, what your purpose in life is and what direction you're headed, you would never understand. Two words that many have deemed a funny and weird phrase to ink on my body. Although i don't give a flying F*** what people think or their opinions i just feel like i should address this in some way. You cannot judge how someone acts, how someone dresses, how someone feels if you A) don't know them well enough and if B) you have NEVER been in their shoes. People pass judgement all of the time (myself included) but we have to stop and think maybe their is a reason why someone is the way that they are. Maybe thats how they express themselvesMakes sense?

A lot of people don't get me and that is fine with me. You don't have to. Just know that if you don't get me it's because you fail to understand me and therefore your views and opinions of me DO NOT matter. If this is the case whatever observations you may have of me can and most likely will backfire. if in fact you do know me and you do get where I'm coming from you don't need observations cause u know the person that i am. I have come to the conclusion that people look down upon, sneer, laugh, talk bad about things that they don't understand. This is the wrong solution. If you don't understand ask questions. Saves you from looking like a d***head. Saves you from being viewed a hater. Saves you from forming opinions based on assuming what you think is right.

Lost & Found is a phrase that perfectly defines me. If you have been there from day 1 (or most of the days) you can see a change in me. I've changed my style of dress, I've changed my appearance, I've changed my attitude (some what), most of all I've changed my frame of mind. I'm a lot happier than i was a few months ago. I LOST sight of myself. I didn't know who i was what path i was taking and how i was going to get there. I didn't know what in life could make me happy. But all i had to do was look into me. I had all the answers to all my questions, I just had to sit and listen to myself ( sounds crazy?). That is how i FOUND Lacey. That is how i learned who i was. That's how i developed who i am. "I lost sight of myself but i found me back"

Sad Soul

Dark clouds tend to invade my world
It gets harder & harder to fight the demons inside.

Not everything is perfectly pictured like some may think
or may convince themselves to believe
because in my own sorrows is where i truly sink
Sinking deep in fear of never amounting to good so part of my struggles
are within myself...how do you overcome that?
Its a constant battle i am never satisfied with this thing called
life
I yearn for love but it stifles me to reciprocate the same feelings
I fear being lonely but i want to be left alone
I would love to experience total bliss & live that thing called
happiness but my story seems to remain the same...sadness
Everyone experiences ups & downs but it seems as if my life is
about more downs than ups
its easier to count my blessings im sure but i love to take the harder
route

It takes a strong person to fight battles, especially emotional ones, most importantly mental ones

but day by day i seem to deem myself weak and not capable of being a fighter

and day by day i continue to lose.