Dead End

Ambiguity wrestles within me. How do i really feel about him? How do i really feel about us? this?

So Pressed on the issue of feelings, I've become a robot.. only showing emotion when it should be displayed... for fear of him going away

and now it struck me as odd. as strange. the words that he say. that he could be making a mistake. that i can be the one that got away. and i will. One day.

Eff it though you cant have everything.

No love song. Not a quote. But from the heart deep down i feel like... like...

I just realized this wont work. just wont work out.

My souls been trapped. closed in. emotional shut down.

My guard is still up but its fighting free.

and the man that i want, he cant even be.

Sticks And Stones May Break Bones...But Words Really Do Hurt Me

I'm sensitive. I'm emotional. I take things personal. I'm defensive. All of these characteristics about myself I hate but can't help. People are so quick to pass judgement (myself included) and at times its something that i can't handle. The worst for me is when someone i know has something to say about me or says hurtful things to me. Yea words are just words but when you confide in someone you don't expect it to come back to you in a way where it would hurt or damage your feelings. I have witnessed friends talking about friends, doing things that make you think "with friends like these who needs enemies". I myself have been a victim of someone taking the most touching subjects of my life and deliberately bring them up to hurt me. At that point you have to ask yourself is it worth it to stoop down to their level and say something just as mean and hurtful maybe even turning it up a notch or should you just ignore and let them look like a heartless asshole for even bringing themselves to act that way. I am learning to form a tough skin but there are times when things can be so overwhelming and one person can say the wrong thing and everything just tumble down and you break. I haven't reached my breaking point yet and i hope to never reach there. But i would like for people to bare in mind: be careful what you say, be careful how you act towards another because you never know what single statement or mean act can push that person to do. Too many times have we witnessed people on the news being out casted or treated wrongly snap and either harm themselves or harm others. So lets start helping to bring eachother up and stop breaking people down. There's so much progress that can be made if we all try and work together to make them happen.

Getting Over It!

We have all experienced breakups. Whether good ones or bad ones, we have all been through the emotional turmoil that comes with ending a relationship. I haven't been one to be in many relationships. I've gotten my heart broken ONCE! I guess karma finally caught up to me cause back in the day i was the one breaking hearts...or playing with them for that matter. People ask me all the time how did i get over my ex, and i have to ask myself "am i truly over him or is it just a facade?" Honestly i do think that I'm over him BUT its difficult to get over someone when they've moved on with life and your alone and at most times not happy. Not to say i need another MAN to make me happy BUT if i was in a relationship i would be so caught up in love and romance... who would have time to think about an old flame? I do not have a significant other to help me to get over him but for the most part i can honestly say I am not in love with my ex anymore and if i were ever offered another chance with him i wouldn't take it. If you want to get over someone it takes time and you really have to dig down deep inside yourself. You have to find love and happiness within you. A major part in me moving forward and not standing still drowning myself in sorrow, is the love and support of my friends and family. Encouragement and kind words are always a big help when you're down. Also having fun and keeping busy. Overtime you will reflect on the relationship and find that him/her wasn't really right for you after all. Whatever you been through with that person just know bad things=bad karma, you don't have to bust windows out of any one's car/home or attack his/hers new partner, it'll all come back in a way where you wont have to lay a finger let alone speak. I know one day i will come across a lovely gentleman that will rock my world but until then i won't be sitting around waiting. You can catch me mingling with the single life... :-*

My Stylemate

Awareness: Sexual Abuse

Here's an incredible link if you want to be more informed on the topic of sexual abuse. Whether you were a victim at one point, you know someone that has gone through sexual abuse, or just want more information on the subject, please check it out because every little bit helps.

http://angelwingspublications.com/index.html

The artistry of B. Fields....

I've come across this lovely young lady who is very talented and is not afraid to try her hand at all things she love. She's a makeup artist, A photographer, a model, a writer , and she plays the piano. Whew! the girl got talent check out her website and if you love what she does reach out to her or you can hit me up and i'll be glad to play messenger...just don't shoot me :)

http://crashandblend.com/

21 Questions

Questions. Questions. Questions. Oh how i hate them. I hate being questioned. I hate asking questions. Its just a BIG problem i have. Its even more annoying when your involved with someone and they constantly ask you questions. Like wtf mind your business!! Nah jus playing. but seriously though i hate questions. Guys I've talked to expressed to me that if i ever had a question to ask i could just ask them and they'd let me know straight up. But come on be for real, I'm not asking you shit. and even if i did what are the chances that you would be 100% truthful? Honestly there's 2 reasons why i don't like questioning others. 1) I don't trust what many people say and there's a good chance that you'll lie to me and i HATE liars 2) most of the time i don't want to know anyway cause the answer to my question may not be something i want to hear. Some say well wouldn't you rather know than not know? You may have a point but i feel like if i know something bad i will constantly be bothered by it. I'm the type to always want to bring it up. I would try use it in every situation we will encounter. To me, its better to just avoid conflict and just go on with our situation with my head a little clear. I mean yea i already make up my assumptions about people, but there's a 50/50 chance that my assumptions may be wrong. The truth is never a lie or a figment of my imagination...

Number One Sex Vid...

She is...

All She wanted in life was to be loved. A girl so alone, everyone wondered about her. Wondered about her frown. Reasoned behind her smile. Read into her mind. Guessed about her life. So much pain she endured this girl. No one can even begin to imagine she says... You ever feel suffocated. So suffocated you almost believe that you can't breathe? You feel boxed in.... can't get out?Her suffocation comes from hurt. pain. loneliness. She fights though. She doesn't let life's struggles weigh her down. She's a fighter... (This particular girl could be you. It could any woman in your life. never underestimate the life she's been through cause you really have no idea. everyone has a story, some harder than others but just know that you don't have to be a victim of your past ladies... you're a product of your future. Life is definitely what you make it!)

Who's 2 Blame??

I don't know what it is but i, like most women, like to argue. I don't know if it is the thrill of "you get mad. I get mad" or the "I'm sorry baby Muah Muah forgive me" but it just happens all the time with pretty much every guy i have dealt with. Even male friends i constantly bicker with them. A lot of guys if not all will say women are the cause of 99% of arguments started in relationships but come on fellas you have to take credit for some of the dumb shit you do to spark up these fights. I admit females do like to scream and shout about nothing in particular and we do get jealous and insecure often but i mean can you really blame us half the time? If you're constantly messing up or doing things you have no business doing, what are we supposed to do ? Sit back and take it? NOOOOO. We're gonna let you know how we feel. Of course when we express our disgust toward a situation we're automatically complaining which is not true we're just not happy with what's going on at the present time... So that last statement would be such an opener for an asshole to say " you women are never happy! So hard to satisfy you !" Blah blah blahhhhhhh. Men need to just stop making excuses for why they're not doing better. JUST DO BETTER! It is not so much to ask for to be courteous to your girl or to have some sort of respect for her. that's what it all boils down to thinking about your partner and not just you because that's just selfish. and face it selfish acts don't get you too far in life. Think about it. If women have nothing to argue or complain about men would be able to sleep better at night. It takes less energy to make peace than to make war . This doesn't mean though that guys are all to blame, females do just fight about the dumbest and little things but with teamwork and communication this is a problem that can and should be solved.

Label Me

I had a discussion with my friends the other day about labels in relationships. A lot of girls and guys in my age group are into this trend of not wanting to be in a relationship. They just want to have their options out there and chill. So my question to this is does people without the infamous boyfriend/girlfriend label have less rules, boundaries and privileges than someone who is a boyfriend/girlfriend? In my opinion i feel like a label on your relationship is important for the simple fact that people outside of it have to respect if your a boyfriend or girlfriend. I mean not all have a level of respect for relationships but at the end of the day they can never question whether or not that individual is involved with someone exclusively. With a Label comes rules and boundaries that is much needed in any relationship. People need to know there places and when and if they can cross it. When you're just "talking" to someone you really have no say as to what goes on in the other persons personal business. You just have to deal with whatever comes with them. The other guys. the other girls. No protests. No complaints. Having a title as boyfriend/girlfriend is something that i would feel 100% comfortable with. I mean anything can happen but its just such a comforting feeling to know "yea that's MY man" lol. At the end of the day any form of relationship should have an understanding between the two people involved and no one should be confused about what kind of label they contain.

When the Money Goes...

ModMz Post On Yours Truly...

Hey guys! Twitter has allowed me to meet so much interesting and great people and Ms. Shy Morris is one of them. She reached out to me on twitter explaining an idea she had for a post on her blog and i thought it was awesome and of course participated. I expressed some difficult things to her but i felt confident in knowing that my message would get across to other young mothers like myself... check me out and show love on Shy's blog as well, she has some great reads.

http://modmz.com/2009/08/08/she-will-not-lose/comment-page-1/#comment-5

For All My Fall-Lovin Fashionistas...

Fall has to be the most fashionable season in my opinion...not too hot not too cold, you can rock out your personal style without layering too much or baring too little... If you agree you'd love these looks featured on WWD...
http://www.whowhatwear.com/website/full-article/look-forward-to-fall-fashion-trends/

My Stylemate

UGHHHHHH

What does it take to find someone that you can like and keep liking without wondering how do you fit in in their lives or if they're feeling the same way. When can 2 people ever be on the same page? Will it ever happen? I hate when i find someone that i really like because that means we will never be together. I've come to the conclusion that I will never be in a happy and healthy relationship. I hate letting guys into my life because it just sets me up for disappointment and heartbreak. I want to be able to be in love with a guy without having to guess everyday "am i losing him?" Ive also come to terms with that fact that in order for me to have the one that i adore i have to like him less cause then he'll like me more. The one who cares the least has the most power...

Confused Dater...

Mentally and emotionally I've been out of it lol. Sounds crazy but I'm just confused by certain situations in my life and being the person that loves to over think stuff I lose sleep over the thoughts i have. One of these situations is of course men. They may say we're confusing and we don't know what we want but they would be lying to themselves if they said they weren't just as difficult to deal with. Lets take about the dude who wasn't sure if he wanted to be serious or not. He was in a relationship that took a lot out of him emotionally which is understandable you need time but after 2 years give it up already. Anyway, we became friends he'd tell me all his girl issues and I'd give him advice. Of course as it always happens he starts feeling me, i start feeling him but he's playing games. I then of course stop pushing myself out there to him and fall back... stop calling...stop texting.. stop bbming and now the kid is sick to his stomach wondering what happened? You see this is where the world of dating is effed up. I have to stop showing interest in a guy for him to show interest in me... WHAT?! I have to shit on a guy for him to treat me good... HUH?! I have to not give a fck about a dudes feelings for him to care about mine... CRAZY! I honestly am tired of it all smh. Like right now I'm so digging someone but society and reality is just preventing me from forming any type of feelings. Of course if he were to tell me tomorrow he's thinking of seriously being with me i would jump for joy lol but right now I guess i have to suck it up and just wait till someone I'm feeling will eventually feel me too without the games, without the headaches... just everything calm and cool like its supposed to be... I know I'm asking for too much though but hey a girl can dream can't she??

Phone Check!!!

This was a topic on twitter a few days... why do girls go through their mans phone? Someone said it was a females instinct but i have to disagree with that. My first instinct when seeing my man;s phone would not to jump right at it and snoop through it. I think it has more to do with trust. If you've dealt with your guy cheating and trying to pursue other women of course you're gonna want to try and find evidence of the matter and what better way to find it then looking through the one thing that can hold all secrets of infidelity...his jack. I've done it, some of my friends did it... we all have been guilty even the guys! Being insecure is also a major player in this situation if you're not confident in yourself or in your relationship how would it ever work if you're constantly fussing and fighting about what might of happened, what did happen and what may happen. I think once men and women are honest with each other about what they want and what they're trying to do we can find ourselves in a happier place with our relationships.

Being Single Vs. Being In A Relationship

SO I've been single for quite a while now, the longest I've ever been single actually... 9 months and counting. No there's nothing wrong with me why i don't have a man in my life it's just my own feelings i have at the moment. Since I've been single 3 guys have tried to cuff me but I just don't want to jump into a relationship where I'm not 100% right about it. People ask me all the time do i like being single or do i miss having a boyfriend and honestly I'm 50/50 on the topic. I miss the comforting feeling of having someone to kiss, hug, hold, talk to about EVERYTHING. I miss having a partner, a best friend, i miss being someones girl. Then again i like being single because i have the freedom to do what i want, i can talk to a couple of guys at one time without being a cheater or without feeling guilty, i have more time for ME, Maddi and my friends, I'm having way more fun, and honestly I'm a little more stress free. I often ask a lot of my friends if they prefer being with someone versus being alone and frankly NO ONE likes the feeling of being lonely, especially me, so i guess that's why a lot of people just settle for being a jump off or settle for the emotionally challenged relationships instead of just taking time out to know who you are and what you want. I guess that's what I'm doing right now just sitting waiting for my time to come where i can say yea i was single and happy for a while but you know what I'm in a relationship and happier... ( cheesy but fck it i believe in fairy tales)

Fresh Vid: "Throw It In The Bag"