Ventilation

What to do when you're at odds.. when you'retorn between your heart and your head.. when your thoughts are clouding your better judgment.. You need to just vent.

It's so hard to have your guard up, while also willing to take a chance, to open up yourself to someone and love them. You never know if the picture a person paints is real. If the words and conversations you think are specially made for you, are in fact just repetitive lines said to a few. You never know someones intentions, or what their motives were during that first encounter when you met..You never know unless you make a choice.. take that step toward it or take that step past it.. You can win or lose either way.

Who's to blame? WHAT'S to blame, for so many attempts at forced relationships? Many have their own opinions on who the finger should point to, but maybe the problem is perhaps, lack of communication.. maybe? I guess.. Mixed signals and lost words.. Closed mouths don't get fed, that's where the starvation begins and of course, Open mouths take too much, that's where the greed kicks in.. One person with the upper hand, while the other person is waiting for that next call.. the go ahead on that next move..

In most cases, it's the guy who has the upper hand. He says whether the relationship will go a step further into something more serious or if it'll just dwindle down to something non existent. He gives the option.. These types of men are usually the hardest to tie down. Females always want to be the ones to put a lock and chain on Mr. Stubborn, the most resistant, the biggest bachelor.. Just to make a project out of him.. just so we can say we're the ones that did the "unthinkable". we're the ones that did "it". You do anything in your power to be the apple in his eye, you become loyal, giving, and trusting.. putting your all out there. You go to the highest of heights to make a smile appear on his face, in hopes that he'll return the favor and your smile mirrors his. You want to be able to show him different things and be the one to open up his eyes, make love to his mind. You want to be happy..with him. I get it, and maybe I've been guilty of the same attempts. But then what happens when that guy doesn't give in, doesn't do things the way we planned for and leaves us with the hurt and pain? We're so quick to blame him. Not really going over the days in our minds when there were NO signs of there ever being a real you and him.. him and I.. a "we".. an "us". Not really seeing what was in your heart, wasn't in his. Now what?

Women who have the upper hand are usually the sexual types, the sex pots I call them.. the one every guy lusts after because the appeal of her is so strong. She puts on this show, with her seductive eyes and her sly smile.. the idea of having her is so great that they will do anything for her, even if it means making a fool out of themselves.. they'll do everything for just a touch. Most of the times these girls are (dare I say it) artificial. Just mere mirages of something that's not even there. Men tend to chase these types of women in hopes of them being the women of their dreams.. a lot of the times leaving the woman of reality behind.. They pursue these females and once they get a taste of what they've been thirsting for, they still end up with dry mouths.. still thirsty. So, Who's winning?

Sometimes us women will paint such a pretty picture of the guy we want to be with, overlooking all the red lights, that's telling us to stop.. all the signs of what could never be. No happily ever after for you.. once again.. And sometimes men just make stupid mistakes, tending to not get the picture, even though it was painted so beautifully and drawn so precisely for them. They do get it eventually.. when the picture is no longer theirs and their looking over the shoulders of another.

I am no expert. This is not a bash. There's no bitter feelings behind this. I'm just a girl trying to figure out what's it all about? This relationship thing. Am I supposed to tell the man that I've grown to adore so much, who I've gradually let in.. little by little.. how I feel without reservation? or am I entitled to hold back the most important piece of information that can either make or break us? Am I wrong for wanting to walk away, when something that he does isn't what I approve of?.. should I stay even if it may hurt? Are certain words better left unsaid? What's the point of showing that you care if you're not sure that it will be reciprocated? Are you supposed to jump out the window or are you supposed to stay still with both feet glued to the ground? In what direction should I take a step? I'm just looking for answers just like everybody else.

The Single Life Huh?!

Dating. Talking. Messing. Whatever you want to call it. Whatever IT is. It's a pain in the ass. Single girl living in the Bronx..not really an ideal location to be looking for prospective boy toys because like every other place in NYC, the Bronx seems pretty microscopic when everyone seems to know *sigh* everyone... So then what's a girl to do??? I'll tell you what she does...She goes outside of her comfort zone, takes big girl steps into the unknown meets a guy who talks the talk and walks the walk of a potential but his mind just isn't where hers is (false advertising ass negro).. So she returns back to her original headquarters scratching her head with confusion, heart full of resentment, feeling defeated, misled and most importantly angry that valuable time wasted she can't get back. .. My generation has become filled with boys (yes boys) who don't want to be in committed relationships and girls who desperately seek them.. but of course because of the lack of male cooperation girls have to settle for dicks(okay dicks is a bit harsh,excuse me, guys) who just want to maintain non committed "fun" relationships... Since we're on the subject of "fun" what the hell does that consist of? Sex??? I assume.. but if it's all about sex then why not say that from the start? Using the word "fun" is portraying something false... Leading most girls to expect things they wont even come close to getting. I say most girls because there are girls out there who just want to have fun also but these type of girls are the ones labeled as whorish right? To some anyway... like i said if all the guy wants to do is "fuck, be friends, and live comfortably" then make it known that that is indeed all you want. Charming a girl into her panties may end up with both of you hurt cause lets face it girls can get a little crazy especially when they feel violated or hurt. I've been single for 2 years and I have to admit meeting and talking to new guys was exciting and daring at first but somewhere along the way it has become utterly annoying and quite dreadful. To meet a guy and hope that he doesn't end up being a jerk/an asshole/a creep and to find out that's exactly what you're getting is so frustrating and discouraging. I don't think this dating thing is for me at all. I'm not a promiscuous girl so I'm not willing to have sex with every guy i talk to and for the most part I am a total sweetheart (something that i have noticed is a BIG no no in dating central). I give all that i have when i have it and i almost NEVER take back and quite frankly this whole thing is quite draining.. you know.. going into something with so much confidence and hope just to have it not go the way you thought it would or planned for it to go... and maybe that's my problem... I put too much faith in people... I trust them to be better than what they really are... I deem my future pursuits as fairy tale worthy when in all actuality it's just one big nightmare waiting to happen... I indeed put too much thought into the ones who don't really think too much of me... and this is not only with guys, this is in general. I literally think there's a greater good in everyone (sadly). Maybe if my outlook on people differ then maybe i can get better results?... and this should be the case ESPECIALLY with guys. I am not at all bitter nor do i hate men. I love them. I just find it harder to appreciate their existence when they don't quite acknowledge ours. This is not all guys, certainly there are some good ones out there (I haven't encountered much of those :-D) and Girls of course aren't angels... we play our hand in this game and we sometimes deserve the cards that we are dealt BUT when is it enough? and when do we (both parties) start making serious situations out of them? Or better yet can we even attempt to make them serious? It seems there will be no satisfaction between the sexes because guys are looking for ideal women who are close to what they see as perfection (which they should know they probably will never get) while us girls are just satisfied with whatever makes us happy. Never adds up well because we're known to settle while guys are more so stubborn and will just continue to act like boys... continue to "chase skirt" (I'm quoting someone right there lol) and wait for their perfect girl. Once they realize the perfect girl is non existent or they won't get her that's when they start to grow up and focus on what they have/had right in front of them or who they are able attain. Sadly this process takes forever and their mind frame on relationships don't really mature till about 30 something (ha ha so much for that *lots of eye rolling going on right now*). So what's a girl like ME to do? Last night I thought this : Head in my books, heart in my work, soul in my family & friends...nothing left but my body for me. So with that said i don't really think i have anything left in me or of me to give to a guy who's not FOR me... :)

He Lives Through Me

Imagine going 23 years without seeing someone you were meant to see. Imagine 23 years of a big chunk of your life missing that important piece. 23 years ago my father was murdered and nothing can and will replace who he was supposed to be to me. He left behind family, friends. and most importantly Lacey. He has a beautiful granddaughter that he will never get to meet, a life of mine that he will never know. Pictures may mean 1000 words but pictures cannot replace an actual being. I once said I am not bitter about anything. I lied.The one thing that i am bitter about, that I've always been bitter about is the absence of the person who's presence may have mattered most in my life. He never got a chance to love me the way a father is supposed to love his little girl. I never got a chance to love him the way that i know a daughter is supposed to love her daddy... I don't want to make anyone cry most of all i don't want to be sad, i just want to pay homage to my dad.

There's a lot of things people should appreciate and one of them is life. Whatever opportunities you may have available to you be grateful and take advantage. Don't wait till its missing for you to realize that you want it. Sometimes you only get one shot.

R.I.P Lance Watts 7/10/1963-4/5/1987

What Does It Mean To Be Happy?

A lot of people don't know what being happy is. Many do not know how to live a happy lifestyle. I'm no different. I'm just now getting the hang of being happy on a daily basis and not only every other month or year. Being happy has to start from within. Nothing or no one can make you happy. Know that if someone makes you happy, that is only temporary happiness. Know that if your happy buying things, spending money,etc... that is also temporary happiness. If that person leaves your life, if those things you bought get stolen or damaged, if you become broke and cant buy anything for a long time, you will be a very unhappy person. You will be sad not because all of these unfortunate things happened to you but because you depended on these things to make and keep you happy. You will forever be a miserable person if you continue to go about life like this. STOP letting things and people dictate your life. TAKE control of you and your happiness. trust me you will lead a healthier life and build healthier relationships that way. Not saying that its easy to be happy (trust me i know!) and not saying your life will perfectly fall into place but if you have a better outlook on life, if you become appreciative of all the things an people around you, you will notice that your blessed. You will be thankful of all that you have accomplished, all that you will eventually accomplish, all your friends and family, and most importantly you will be thankful that God granted you life.

You want to be happy? You can start by smiling :) Life can be much harder.

Lost & Found

Two Words to describe who i was and what i am. Two Words that i have tatted on my inner thigh. Two words that if you yourself have not been in a state of wonderment about who you are, what your purpose in life is and what direction you're headed, you would never understand. Two words that many have deemed a funny and weird phrase to ink on my body. Although i don't give a flying F*** what people think or their opinions i just feel like i should address this in some way. You cannot judge how someone acts, how someone dresses, how someone feels if you A) don't know them well enough and if B) you have NEVER been in their shoes. People pass judgement all of the time (myself included) but we have to stop and think maybe their is a reason why someone is the way that they are. Maybe thats how they express themselvesMakes sense?

A lot of people don't get me and that is fine with me. You don't have to. Just know that if you don't get me it's because you fail to understand me and therefore your views and opinions of me DO NOT matter. If this is the case whatever observations you may have of me can and most likely will backfire. if in fact you do know me and you do get where I'm coming from you don't need observations cause u know the person that i am. I have come to the conclusion that people look down upon, sneer, laugh, talk bad about things that they don't understand. This is the wrong solution. If you don't understand ask questions. Saves you from looking like a d***head. Saves you from being viewed a hater. Saves you from forming opinions based on assuming what you think is right.

Lost & Found is a phrase that perfectly defines me. If you have been there from day 1 (or most of the days) you can see a change in me. I've changed my style of dress, I've changed my appearance, I've changed my attitude (some what), most of all I've changed my frame of mind. I'm a lot happier than i was a few months ago. I LOST sight of myself. I didn't know who i was what path i was taking and how i was going to get there. I didn't know what in life could make me happy. But all i had to do was look into me. I had all the answers to all my questions, I just had to sit and listen to myself ( sounds crazy?). That is how i FOUND Lacey. That is how i learned who i was. That's how i developed who i am. "I lost sight of myself but i found me back"

Sad Soul

Dark clouds tend to invade my world
It gets harder & harder to fight the demons inside.

Not everything is perfectly pictured like some may think
or may convince themselves to believe
because in my own sorrows is where i truly sink
Sinking deep in fear of never amounting to good so part of my struggles
are within myself...how do you overcome that?
Its a constant battle i am never satisfied with this thing called
life
I yearn for love but it stifles me to reciprocate the same feelings
I fear being lonely but i want to be left alone
I would love to experience total bliss & live that thing called
happiness but my story seems to remain the same...sadness
Everyone experiences ups & downs but it seems as if my life is
about more downs than ups
its easier to count my blessings im sure but i love to take the harder
route

It takes a strong person to fight battles, especially emotional ones, most importantly mental ones

but day by day i seem to deem myself weak and not capable of being a fighter

and day by day i continue to lose.

1st Annual PynkBerri Clothing Drive...

The lovely ladies of PynkBerri are asking for your help! Year round there are men, women, and children who have to go through days and nights without proper articles of clothing, especially during the winter time. I'm sure EVERYONE knows how crucial winter is especially in NYC and colder areas of the world. The Pynk have decided to take a step and develop their very own clothing drive providing a helping hand to those who need it. We please ask that you show support and help these ladies out. There may be clothes you haven't worn since 1999, it doesn't matter if its wearable and in good condition it will be gladly accepted. Think about it this way you can get rid of old clothes to make room for new ones =). Instead of throwing unused items away they'd be reused by someone who can't afford to go out and purchase any. A easy killing of 2 birds with 1 stone. The clothing drive will be held on December 22nd, the time and location are still to be determined but if you're interested you can email me @ VictoriaBlacc@gmail.com and i will be more than happy to pass on to the Pynks. Every little bit counts and makes a huge difference!!!

Dead End

Ambiguity wrestles within me. How do i really feel about him? How do i really feel about us? this?

So Pressed on the issue of feelings, I've become a robot.. only showing emotion when it should be displayed... for fear of him going away

and now it struck me as odd. as strange. the words that he say. that he could be making a mistake. that i can be the one that got away. and i will. One day.

Eff it though you cant have everything.

No love song. Not a quote. But from the heart deep down i feel like... like...

I just realized this wont work. just wont work out.

My souls been trapped. closed in. emotional shut down.

My guard is still up but its fighting free.

and the man that i want, he cant even be.

Sticks And Stones May Break Bones...But Words Really Do Hurt Me

I'm sensitive. I'm emotional. I take things personal. I'm defensive. All of these characteristics about myself I hate but can't help. People are so quick to pass judgement (myself included) and at times its something that i can't handle. The worst for me is when someone i know has something to say about me or says hurtful things to me. Yea words are just words but when you confide in someone you don't expect it to come back to you in a way where it would hurt or damage your feelings. I have witnessed friends talking about friends, doing things that make you think "with friends like these who needs enemies". I myself have been a victim of someone taking the most touching subjects of my life and deliberately bring them up to hurt me. At that point you have to ask yourself is it worth it to stoop down to their level and say something just as mean and hurtful maybe even turning it up a notch or should you just ignore and let them look like a heartless asshole for even bringing themselves to act that way. I am learning to form a tough skin but there are times when things can be so overwhelming and one person can say the wrong thing and everything just tumble down and you break. I haven't reached my breaking point yet and i hope to never reach there. But i would like for people to bare in mind: be careful what you say, be careful how you act towards another because you never know what single statement or mean act can push that person to do. Too many times have we witnessed people on the news being out casted or treated wrongly snap and either harm themselves or harm others. So lets start helping to bring eachother up and stop breaking people down. There's so much progress that can be made if we all try and work together to make them happen.

Getting Over It!

We have all experienced breakups. Whether good ones or bad ones, we have all been through the emotional turmoil that comes with ending a relationship. I haven't been one to be in many relationships. I've gotten my heart broken ONCE! I guess karma finally caught up to me cause back in the day i was the one breaking hearts...or playing with them for that matter. People ask me all the time how did i get over my ex, and i have to ask myself "am i truly over him or is it just a facade?" Honestly i do think that I'm over him BUT its difficult to get over someone when they've moved on with life and your alone and at most times not happy. Not to say i need another MAN to make me happy BUT if i was in a relationship i would be so caught up in love and romance... who would have time to think about an old flame? I do not have a significant other to help me to get over him but for the most part i can honestly say I am not in love with my ex anymore and if i were ever offered another chance with him i wouldn't take it. If you want to get over someone it takes time and you really have to dig down deep inside yourself. You have to find love and happiness within you. A major part in me moving forward and not standing still drowning myself in sorrow, is the love and support of my friends and family. Encouragement and kind words are always a big help when you're down. Also having fun and keeping busy. Overtime you will reflect on the relationship and find that him/her wasn't really right for you after all. Whatever you been through with that person just know bad things=bad karma, you don't have to bust windows out of any one's car/home or attack his/hers new partner, it'll all come back in a way where you wont have to lay a finger let alone speak. I know one day i will come across a lovely gentleman that will rock my world but until then i won't be sitting around waiting. You can catch me mingling with the single life... :-*

My Stylemate

Awareness: Sexual Abuse

Here's an incredible link if you want to be more informed on the topic of sexual abuse. Whether you were a victim at one point, you know someone that has gone through sexual abuse, or just want more information on the subject, please check it out because every little bit helps.

http://angelwingspublications.com/index.html

The artistry of B. Fields....

I've come across this lovely young lady who is very talented and is not afraid to try her hand at all things she love. She's a makeup artist, A photographer, a model, a writer , and she plays the piano. Whew! the girl got talent check out her website and if you love what she does reach out to her or you can hit me up and i'll be glad to play messenger...just don't shoot me :)

http://crashandblend.com/

21 Questions

Questions. Questions. Questions. Oh how i hate them. I hate being questioned. I hate asking questions. Its just a BIG problem i have. Its even more annoying when your involved with someone and they constantly ask you questions. Like wtf mind your business!! Nah jus playing. but seriously though i hate questions. Guys I've talked to expressed to me that if i ever had a question to ask i could just ask them and they'd let me know straight up. But come on be for real, I'm not asking you shit. and even if i did what are the chances that you would be 100% truthful? Honestly there's 2 reasons why i don't like questioning others. 1) I don't trust what many people say and there's a good chance that you'll lie to me and i HATE liars 2) most of the time i don't want to know anyway cause the answer to my question may not be something i want to hear. Some say well wouldn't you rather know than not know? You may have a point but i feel like if i know something bad i will constantly be bothered by it. I'm the type to always want to bring it up. I would try use it in every situation we will encounter. To me, its better to just avoid conflict and just go on with our situation with my head a little clear. I mean yea i already make up my assumptions about people, but there's a 50/50 chance that my assumptions may be wrong. The truth is never a lie or a figment of my imagination...

Number One Sex Vid...

She is...

All She wanted in life was to be loved. A girl so alone, everyone wondered about her. Wondered about her frown. Reasoned behind her smile. Read into her mind. Guessed about her life. So much pain she endured this girl. No one can even begin to imagine she says... You ever feel suffocated. So suffocated you almost believe that you can't breathe? You feel boxed in.... can't get out?Her suffocation comes from hurt. pain. loneliness. She fights though. She doesn't let life's struggles weigh her down. She's a fighter... (This particular girl could be you. It could any woman in your life. never underestimate the life she's been through cause you really have no idea. everyone has a story, some harder than others but just know that you don't have to be a victim of your past ladies... you're a product of your future. Life is definitely what you make it!)

Who's 2 Blame??

I don't know what it is but i, like most women, like to argue. I don't know if it is the thrill of "you get mad. I get mad" or the "I'm sorry baby Muah Muah forgive me" but it just happens all the time with pretty much every guy i have dealt with. Even male friends i constantly bicker with them. A lot of guys if not all will say women are the cause of 99% of arguments started in relationships but come on fellas you have to take credit for some of the dumb shit you do to spark up these fights. I admit females do like to scream and shout about nothing in particular and we do get jealous and insecure often but i mean can you really blame us half the time? If you're constantly messing up or doing things you have no business doing, what are we supposed to do ? Sit back and take it? NOOOOO. We're gonna let you know how we feel. Of course when we express our disgust toward a situation we're automatically complaining which is not true we're just not happy with what's going on at the present time... So that last statement would be such an opener for an asshole to say " you women are never happy! So hard to satisfy you !" Blah blah blahhhhhhh. Men need to just stop making excuses for why they're not doing better. JUST DO BETTER! It is not so much to ask for to be courteous to your girl or to have some sort of respect for her. that's what it all boils down to thinking about your partner and not just you because that's just selfish. and face it selfish acts don't get you too far in life. Think about it. If women have nothing to argue or complain about men would be able to sleep better at night. It takes less energy to make peace than to make war . This doesn't mean though that guys are all to blame, females do just fight about the dumbest and little things but with teamwork and communication this is a problem that can and should be solved.

Label Me

I had a discussion with my friends the other day about labels in relationships. A lot of girls and guys in my age group are into this trend of not wanting to be in a relationship. They just want to have their options out there and chill. So my question to this is does people without the infamous boyfriend/girlfriend label have less rules, boundaries and privileges than someone who is a boyfriend/girlfriend? In my opinion i feel like a label on your relationship is important for the simple fact that people outside of it have to respect if your a boyfriend or girlfriend. I mean not all have a level of respect for relationships but at the end of the day they can never question whether or not that individual is involved with someone exclusively. With a Label comes rules and boundaries that is much needed in any relationship. People need to know there places and when and if they can cross it. When you're just "talking" to someone you really have no say as to what goes on in the other persons personal business. You just have to deal with whatever comes with them. The other guys. the other girls. No protests. No complaints. Having a title as boyfriend/girlfriend is something that i would feel 100% comfortable with. I mean anything can happen but its just such a comforting feeling to know "yea that's MY man" lol. At the end of the day any form of relationship should have an understanding between the two people involved and no one should be confused about what kind of label they contain.

When the Money Goes...

ModMz Post On Yours Truly...

Hey guys! Twitter has allowed me to meet so much interesting and great people and Ms. Shy Morris is one of them. She reached out to me on twitter explaining an idea she had for a post on her blog and i thought it was awesome and of course participated. I expressed some difficult things to her but i felt confident in knowing that my message would get across to other young mothers like myself... check me out and show love on Shy's blog as well, she has some great reads.

http://modmz.com/2009/08/08/she-will-not-lose/comment-page-1/#comment-5